I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
