whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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