True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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