Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
