my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
