I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
