If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
