i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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