I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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