Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
