So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
