His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
