i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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