You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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