booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my liver is dry heaving
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
