Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
