Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
