I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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