I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
