I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
