whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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