I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
