I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
