It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I need to calm my uterus...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
