Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
