so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
