two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
