I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
