so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
