Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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