turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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