My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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