mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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