i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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