You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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