just come out here and I will go home with you...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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