Please, let me fuck your mom
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
