How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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