If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Randomize
