my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
