You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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