I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
