I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
