Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
