I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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