I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Bring me that man meat
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
