Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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