oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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