Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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