I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
