Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
