my sisters under your porch take her home
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
